


Death by Deodorant

by hangoverhater



Series: The One With The Spies [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, BAMF Iwaizumi, Gen, misuse of aerosol-form deodorant, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 14:34:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5788999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangoverhater/pseuds/hangoverhater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi hates aerosol-form deodorants. Loathes them. </p>
<p>There is, however, one convenient use for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death by Deodorant

**Author's Note:**

> I can't remember how it came up, but we were having lunch one day and someone uttered the phrase "death by deodorant". This is what I made of that.

If there was one thing Iwaizumi hated, it was fucking aerosol deodorants. He didn’t care about how ‘ozone-friendly’ the cans claimed to be, he hated the way the little particles of antiperspirant floated through the air and right into his respiratory system. 

 

Oikawa fucking _loved_ that shit. And everything aerosol he could possibly get his grubby hands on. “They make life easier, Iwa-chan!” Bull-fucking-shit. They do not make life easier, they make breathing harder, which kind of negates the life-thing if you think about it. Go ahead. Think about it. Won’t even take you that long to figure it out. 

 

Iwaizumi had a habit of throwing out all the aerosol cans he found in their shared bathroom, much to Oikawa’s horror. The bastard had recently begun hiding them. Iwaizumi knew they were somewhere. He could smell them. 

 

Oikawa even had the audacity to keep those fucking things in his go-bag, so Iwaizumi had to endure the horrible invention even when they were away from home. It took an assignment in London for Iwaizumi to accept that there was one good use for products in aerosol form. 

 

Oikawa was out while Iwaizumi stayed in their rented apartment. He’d gotten in late the previous night, because he’d been out tailing their mark all night, and the prick hadn’t had the decency to go to bed at a sensible hour. This had, of course, led to Iwaizumi coming in at seven in the morning and simply crashing into bed after undressing. 

 

It was around one o’clock in the afternoon when he finally woke up and spotted the post-it note Oikawa had helpfully attached to his forehead. 

_Getting food, sleep well! XOXOXO_

 

He rolled his eyes and got up, deciding that a shower might not go amiss. He was usually a stickler for five minute combat showers, but the goddamn weather made him ache all over. Besides: what does one, slightly longer hot shower mean in the grander scale of things? Nothing, that’s what. 

 

Iwaizumi later figured he must’ve been more tired than he thought because he didn’t hear an intruder entering the apartment through the front door. He stepped out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, only to blink when there was an unknown person going through their stuff. 

 

Talk about rude. 

 

This tall, dressed-in-all-black person didn’t seem too happy about seeing him, either. In fact, he made his displeasure known by straight-up attacking Iwaizumi. 

 

Iwaizumi kept one hand on the towel (no, he was _not_ going to get naked in front of some random asshole, thank you very much) as he fought back. Unfortunately, keeping his modesty intact allowed his assailant to gain the upper hand in their scuffle, and Iwaizumi found himself being cornered. 

 

He crashed through the bathroom door, landing on the floor ungracefully. The man came in with him, and went for a punch. Iwaizumi rolled out of the way, kicking the man in the chin. He hadn’t expected the man to grab his foot and yank him towards him. 

 

Weight on top of him. Hands on his throat. All Iwaizumi could think of was _‘Oikawa’s going to be fucking pissed when he comes back’_ as he squirmed and tried to dislodge the hands squeezing his airway. 

 

He reached out with his hand, trying to grab at anything he could use as a weapon. His fumbling managed to drop Oikawa’s small toiletry bag from the counter, and its contents scattered all over the floor. Iwaizumi choked out a curse, furiously feeling out for anything. His hand hit a cylindrical shape, and it took him a second to know what it was.

 

That. Fucking. Deodorant.

 

He pushed down the sudden spike of anger that arose when he recognised the item for more important thoughts. Like how he could use it. He pointed the can at the man’s eyes and pushed the button on top, releasing the pressurised content into the man’s face. 

 

The hands disappeared from his throat, as did the weight from on top of him. Iwaizumi coughed, feeling precious oxygen flood his airways again. He sat up quickly, glaring at the man now moaning and covering his eyes on their bathroom floor. 

 

Iwaizumi sat on top of him (fuck modesty) and pointed the can at him again. “Who sent you?”

 

“Fuck you! Argh, my eyes!” The man wailed, squirming around. 

 

Iwaizumi punched him unceremoniously. “I’m only going to ask this once more,” he grunted, “who sent you?”

 

“Fuck you!” 

 

Iwaizumi coughed, hating the gritty feeling in his throat. “Fine,” he growled, using his free hand to pin the man’s hands above his head. “I’ll find out anyway.”

 

He then proceeded to shove the can’s valve into the man’s mouth and pushing the button again. He held his breath and looked away as he emptied the can into the man’s mouth and trachea. 

 

Eventually the man stopped struggling against him and went completely limp. Iwaizumi was no risk-taker, so he kept spraying until the can was completely empty, which didn’t take long. 

 

He left the can in the now dead man’s mouth and crawled out of the bathroom, only taking a breath again once he was out of the cramped space.

 

He lied on the bedroom floor, on his back, just breathing. He was still lying there when Oikawa finally returned. 

 

“Rise and shine, Iwa-chan, I’m ba—what the hell?! Iwa-chan!” 

 

Judging by the resounding thud and hurried steps, the living room was a mess. Oikawa burst into the bedroom, and Iwaizumi leaned his head back to look at him from the floor, raising a hand in greeting. “What took you so long?” He croaked. He was morbidly enjoying the slight panicky look Oikawa was sporting. 

 

“What happened?!” The brown-haired man demanded, dropping to his knees next to him. “Are you okay?”

 

Iwaizumi nodded, shoving Oikawa’s hands off of him and pointing at the bathroom. “I’m fine, he’s not,” he said. “Cause of death: failure of the respiratory system caused by aerosol antiperspirant.”

 

“What?” Oikawa looked adorably confused as he leaned back to look at the man lying dead in their bathroom. 

 

“I killed him with your deodorant,” Iwaizumi summarised as he sat up. “You might need to buy a new one. Sorry.”

 

Oikawa shook his head slowly. “Of all the things…” he muttered and turned back to hug him. “I’m glad you’re alright, but we should get a clean-up crew in to get rid of him.”

 

Iwaizumi nodded, burying his face in Oikawa’s neck. “I’ll put some clothes on.”

 

As he stood up to go find some clothes, Oikawa stared up at him. “Wait a minute. Why are you naked?!”

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing against aerosol deodorants, btw. I don't personally use them, but they are convenient. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
